…And Bells on Her Toes

Have you ever felt totally alone in a room full of people?  That’s how it’s felt the past few weeks, at least to me.  It hasn’t been easy, in fact it’s been very difficult just trying to cope.  I need a break and I don’t see one coming any time soon.  I scream at the kids lately for the smallest things.  The worst part is when they look at me after I’ve ranted and I know they know that they didn’t deserve it.   I don’t do it on purpose but it seems like it’s happening more frequently lately.  I hope they don’t end up hating me because of it when they’re grown.  I feel like crap but I have to keep going.  I don’t have anyone to pick up the slack.  I’ve had a headache for the past two days that finally broke earlier.  It was so bad I couldn’t bend down to pick up Caity without my head feeling like it would explode.  It was fun trying to do laundry earlier.  We have so many clothes lying around, it’s driving me nuts.

Lexy is covered in spots.  She has some sort of rash and I’m really hoping it’s not Chicken Pox.  She had a few “blemishes” on her face last Thursday and she went to school like normal on Friday.  Her school called me and asked if I knew about the spots and they said they suspected Measles or Chicken Pox.  I told them that she had her vaccinations (all they had to do was look in her file, duh) and she had no fever.  They let her back to her class when we presumed it to be an allergic reaction to something.  Her chest was covered by then and she had a few on her arms as well.  She hasn’t had a fever or any of the other signs of chicken pox, just spots.  I’ve put her in the bath with some oatmeal to ease the itching and she’s been taking Benadryl as well.  She’s currently covered in Calamine Lotion and has socks on her hands while she sleeps. Now I have to take her to the doctor’s tomorrow to see if she’s contagious before I can send her to daycare … and tomorrow’s another crazy day at work, I can’t afford to take it off.

Lexy had a school picnic the other day and there are grass allergies in the family, also I had changed fabric softener brands and both her and her Dad are sensitive to this particular type.  Hopefully it’s one of those.

When Lexy was little she received the Chicken Pox vaccination – it was the first year the government would pay for it.  They say that even with the vaccination, it’s possible to get a “mild” form of the disease.  The other thing I was reading about when I was looking up rashes is that someone who has had Shingles can transmit Chicken Pox … Alex had Shingles back in April … hmmmm…. makes me itch just thinking about it.  I have to keep them away from Alex because his immune system isn’t working as it should, it would be really bad if he got sick right now.

Lexy asked me yesterday if she would still be pretty with all those “bumps” on her face.  I told her that she would be beautiful no matter what. 

Caity was sick on Friday.  She was asleep when I headed to the shower and when I turned the water off, I heard her yelling from her crib “Mom! I want OUT”.  She says this on a normal basis, so I didn’t pay much attention to it.   As I walked down the hallway, the smell hit me before I reached her door.  I asked if she went “ka-ka” and she said no, then I realized she had been sick all over her crib, herself, the floor, her new bed (which is waiting for her to inhabit it) – puke was everywhere.  I threw her into the bath and cleaned her up.  She stayed home from Terri’s and developed a fever later in the day.  I gave her some Gravol and Tylenol and she slept for four hours.  She must have just picked up a stomach bug because she was better yesterday.

So it’s been a fun filled weekend.  I saw my parents and brother and played with his new kittens.

I feel like screaming.

I don’t feel like I can shake this feeling and somehow I have to put this clown face on that shows the world nothing is wrong when I just want to run.  I need a break.  Tomorrow is soccer night, if Lexy’s not contagious.  Alex is working nights so I have them all to myself 24/7 again.  He needs to rest but he spends too much time on that damn computer downstairs so I don’t see him.  When he wants to hide he goes downstairs, I have no place to escape. 

So I sit here.

Like I always do.

Alone.